Put Your Money on Tonya
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Put Your Money on Tonya |
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Forget the Super Bowl, World
Series and the NCAA Championships. They're boring and out of date. Ali
vs. Frazier? Lewis vs. Tyson? Bush vs. Gore? Obsolete, sleep-inducing poppycock.
We have a new March Madness that'll make the rest of those non-events look
like the nursing home tiddlywinks competition on Tuesday afternoon. Be
sure your TV is working and your cable bill is paid up because the fight
of the century (or is it of the last century?) is about to begin. Park
your butts on the couch and get ready to rumble. Celebrity Boxing is coming
to Fox TV. And you couldn't ask for a better match up than next week's
bout between Tonya "I whacked Nancy's knee" Harding and Paula "I saw Clinton's
schlong" Jones.
Well, actually, you could ask. Originally, Tonya's opponent was going to be Amy Fisher, the "Long Island Lolita" who shot her boyfriend's wife in the head and spent seven years in jail. Now that would have been a fight. Tonya and Amy are two streetwise, tough broads who've shown no hesitation about taking the gloves off, so to speak. It would have been a knock-down, drag-out dust-up, offering all the thrills of a Saturday night bar brawl between two chicks rolling on the floor, pulling each other's hair and scratching each other's eyes out because they've both got the hots for the same guy. I've watched a few of those (unfortunately, I was never the guy they were fighting over) and always had a great time.
Alas, it was not to be. Amy's parole board got wind of the plans for the boxing match and ordered her to get her felonious little buns back to Long Island. Some anal crap about sending the wrong signal to victims of violence. How's a poor ex-con supposed to get by if she can't capitalize on her notoriety?
Anyway, it was out with Amy and in with Paula. Suddenly, the odds have shifted. We're not looking at an even match anymore. Paula Jones is no tough broad. In fact, the closest she's come to violence in her life was getting poked by that long parade of rabid right wing Republicans who used her (and later dumped her) during the Great Clinton Cock Hunt of the 1990's.
And Paula's lack of experience has her a little nervous about what might happen in the ring. "Of course, that's my first concern as a woman, messing my face up,” she says in that southern-fried Betty-Boop-on-helium voice of hers. “I just got my nose done, and I don't want to mess it up.”
Tonya, did you hear that? That kind of dainty talk must have caused your saliva glands to kick in and work overtime until you were drooling bad enough to soak your feet. Go for her nose, Tonya. Beat it to a bloody pulp, tear it off, chew it up and spit it out on the floor. Show this little slut what fighting is all about. When you're done with Paula's nose, knock her down and make her crawl out of the ring on her hands and knees. She's had a lot of practice at being in that position. Maybe this will be the last time we have to endure seeing her white trash, whoring ass on the national stage.
If that match isn't enough to capture your imagination, the rest of the night's fighting offers some great nostalgia, also. There's a Brady Bunch guy up against a Partridge Family guy. Hope they both end up puking in their corners. They certainly caused enough viewers to puke during their heyday on the tube. And for you racists, it's white ex-rapper Vanilla Ice against black ex-actor Todd Bridges of "Diff'rent Strokes". Whatever color you are, you're sure to be embarrassed by that one, regardless of who wins.
But don't get distracted. Stick to the main bout and put your money on Tonya. You'll be doing yourself and the country a big favor.