A Few Questions for Kenny Boy

2/9/2002

Looks like the Big Man is finally coming to town. Kenny Boy Lay, failed CEO of the failed Enron Corporation is going to appear before Congress this week in Washington. His fellow Enron executives who appeared last week either invoked the Fifth Amendment (self incrimination) or the senility defense (Who me? I don't remember anything! And where am I?), so we haven't heard much in the way of new information.

And we probably won't hear much from Kenny Boy, either. But his predicted lack of responsiveness to congressional questioning presents an opportunity for some great political theater. Here's the most hated man in America who will just sit in silence like the Tar Baby. Whatever they throw at him will stick long and fast. He'd not going to defend himself and there's sure not anyone else out there right now who will do it for him.

So my suggestion to the members of Congress who are going to question this deviate: Hit him hard. Knock that folksy grin off his complacent face and let him (and everyone watching) know that we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it any more. Here's a list of rhetorical, nasty, ball-busting, made-for-TV questions that are sure to get airplay on the 6 PM news.

To set the proper tone, a good opening pitch might go like this:

• Hey, Kenny Boy, you oil-soaked, greed-wracked, knee-padded, fork-tongued fat bastard - how would you like me to come over there and kick your smelly ass right back to the Texas trash heap you crawled out of?

• How long did you have to pay George W Bush's bills before he started calling you Kenny Boy?

• When you finally realized the whole thing was coming unraveled and your entire life was about to get flushed down the toilet, did your big brass balls shrivel to the size of cherries, peanuts or BB's?

• What form of shameless scumbag hides behind his wife's skirt while she and the kids go on TV begging for sympathy and pleading poverty?

• When you sat Dick Cheney down and instructed him exactly what to put in his Energy policy, did it give you a chill down your spine to realize that he's one of the few men in America who's as slimy and devious as you are?

• Where the hell has Dick been, anyway?

• What qualities do you look for in a prison cell mate? Would you like it to be one of your fellow executives who wants to kill you or would you prefer one of the general prison population who just wants to use you as his personal butt boy?

• Did Senator Phil Gramm get more pissed at you for making him look like the corrupt political hack he really is, or for nailing his wife Wendy?

• When you came up with that dirty little scheme to prevent your employees from selling the Enron stock in their retirement plans when its price was tanking and you had already bailed out, did the rest of the board members come slap you on the back and say, "God damn, Kenny Boy, you're even more of an evil son-of-a-bitch than I imagined!"

• If you and John Walker Lindh were stranded on a desert island and Osama bin Laden came by on a raft and he only had enough room to rescue one of you and he wanted it to be the one who'd done the most damage to the United States, which one would he pick?

 

[ Home Page | Email ]