Super Bowl Games

And what about the game? There is a football game that day, you know. Who cares? Unless you have some emotional attachment to either of the two teams (which ones are they again?) the game itself will be of little interest. You can generate a certain level of game excitement by betting on the outcome or by getting involved in one of those complex pools where some combination of the team scores and their timing will win you thousands of dollars. But for the most part, you'll have to find some other sources for your fun.

That's where I can help. Through years of practice, I've come up with a long list of Super Bowl games you can play that will make the real game seem like the meaningless triviality it really is. Whether you're at the local watering hole, your friend's house or merely on your own couch, here are some games to occupy your (otherwise vacant) mind on Super Bowl Sunday:
 

Guantanamo Detainee - Surround yourself with a chain link fence, turn the heat up to 90, shave your beard, wear an orange prison jump suit and kneel on the floor as you shout, "Death to the Americans!" at the TV every time somebody scores a touchdown.

• Farts-Aroma - Try to guess what brand of beer the guys at the next table are drinking by the odor of their farts.

• Who's Roman Now? - Try to figure out why the boneheaded honchos in the NFL insist on using those indecipherable Roman numerals to designate which number Super Bowl it is. This year it's Super Bowl XXXVI. Any idea what that means? Then try to remember how many years it's been since you learned about Roman numerals in school. XX? XXX? Or only XV? How many years did it take you to forget everything you ever knew about them? .0000IXVC?

Push the Bush - Get crazy and party like the elite do. If you're under 21, try to buy a margarita with a fake ID. If you're over 21, try to score some good drugs with a fake prescription. If you're the president, choke on a pretzel and fall on the floor while your dogs watch in amusement.

• Rate the Announcers - Give each of the TV announcers a rating (Zero to Ten) in two different categories: Football Knowledge and Good Looks. See if you can find any exceptions to the rule that any announcer with a Ten in one category will automatically get a Zero in the other.

• Rate the Babes - When the TV cameramen get as bored with the game as you are, check out the players' wives and girlfriends in the Babe Section. Try to find one who's not a supermodel, bosom-strutting actress or Grammy award winning singer. Predict the next one to get beat up, murdered or both.

• What Was That Guy Selling? - Ten seconds after the end of one of those hilarious, entertaining and titillating commercials you'll be watching all day, try to remember what product the commercial was trying to sell you.

Enron Lotto - Give your life savings to Kenny Boy Lay for entry into the Enron Super Bowl Pool he's running. Up until the last ten seconds of the game, Kenny Boy will assure you that you're a winner and if you have any more money, it's not too late to get in on a sure bet. Then, as the players run off the field, Kenny Boy runs off with your money, leaving you and your kids to sell pencils on the street corner for the rest of your lives.

• Super Hurl - Organize a hurling competition during halftime where the entrants win prizes (and bragging rights) by their performances in several divisions: Loudest Hurl, Longest Hurl, Most Colorful Hurl, Furthest Projecting Hurl, and in the mixed doubles category, Best His and Hers Hurl.

• I'm Cheap And So's My Beer - Calculate the price per ounce of each person's beer. When you've determined who's drinking the cheapest beer, see if he's also the soonest to get glassy eyed, miss the toilet by three feet, drool on his shirt and howl like a bloodhound at the Britney Spears commercials.

Heavyweight Chump - Invite Mike Tyson over with instructions to just relax and be himself. Protect everyone with a football helmet and a chastity belt.

• Please Excuse Johnny - Have a contest to see who can come up with the most creative excuse for calling in sick on Monday morning. Practice that rare phone skill of sounding sick without sounding hung over.

• What The Hell Happened? - After the game's over and everyone's gone home, try to recall why your breath smells like a waste treatment plant, why you have such a headache, why the bottoms of your feet are so sticky, why there's popcorn down your pants, why there's a balloon tied to your dong, why the remote control has teeth marks, and why the dog is the best looking creature in the room. Extra credit if you can remember the score of the game.

Finally, don't forget to save the left over food for next week's Pro Bowl party. You are having a Pro Bowl party, aren't you?

 

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