johnmonty.com PretzelGate: A Twisted, Salty Tale

Like I said, right! What kind of gullible chumps do they think we are? Have you ever passed out from choking on a pretzel? I've spent my fair share of time eating pretzels while watching football on TV. On more than one occasion, I've been in a whole room full of people doing precisely the same thing. Not once did anyone pass out from choking on a pretzel. And some of those guys were a lot dumber than George W Bush. No one I know has ever had that happen to them. If you saw it on "West Wing", you'd think it was bogus bile created by coked-up hack writers.

No, we've been lied to once again. PretzelGate is about to bust wide open. Enron? Piddly nickel-and-dime trivia. Monica Lewinsky? Only of interest to amateur porn mongers. Iran-Contra? Ancient history! But PretzelGate is a scandal we can all get our mouths around and suck the salt from. And I intend to go to the bottom of the bag where all the crumbs are.

What really happened? There are some obvious scenarios to explain why a healthy guy watching TV might pass out. The most obvious one, and the one being speculated about on the internet most often these days, says that George fell off the wagon and then fell off the couch. He quit drinking years ago but the stress of 911 and John Ashcroft drove him back to the bottle. A reasonable explanation, but I don't buy it. If George had started drinking again, there'd be other signs. He'd be tripping over his words and saying things like, "Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes."

So forget the "Got drunk and passed out" scenario. The truth is more sinister. As it always is. We'll need someone of Ken Starr's caliber to sort all this out, but in the meantime, here are a few of my own modest theories:
 
 

The "Bill and Hillary Trashed the White House" Theory

Of course they were involved. They're responsible for everything that's gone wrong in this country for the past 10 years and the next 50. While Bill and Hill were tearing the "W" keys from computers and leaving steamy turds in the Oval Office, they also surreptitiously left a bag of anthrax-marinated pretzels hidden beneath the cushions of the couch in the TV room. George reached down there to see if he could find any spare change, and the rest is PretzelGate history.

Watch for Clinton-hating author Barbara Olson (now deceased) to reveal all the details in another best-selling book based on her interview with Buddy the Dog (also now deceased). The interview took place recently in Doggy Heaven, which was supposed to be Barbara's final resting place, but the doggies voted to kick her out after she embarrassed them by sniffing crotches all day long. They did, however, keep a large supply of her books for potty training.

The "Dick Cheney Groundhog Day" Theory

VP Dick (remember him?) has been relegated to the underground bunker for the last four months and been told not to make any unauthorized public appearances. George has really enjoyed not having grumpy old taskmaster Dick around because now he can spend his weekends lounging around watching football on TV instead of working.

Dick, disoriented by weeks without sun and thinking it was Groundhog Day, stuck his head out of the hole in the floor of the TV room to find his shadow. George, deeply immersed in the game and startled by the sudden sight of Dick's shiny bald head coming up from the floor, panicked and tried to run back to the Oval Office to pretend he'd been hard at work studying the latest economic stimulus plan. In his haste, he tripped over Dick's head and landed on the floor, knocking himself out. Dick also has a nasty bruise on his face, but they don't need a cover story for him since no one ever sees him (except his wife and she slaps him around, too).
 

The "Don't Call Me Kenny Boy" Theory

Enron chairman Ken Lay, his reputation ruined and unable to find suitable employment, gets invited by his old pal George to be his personal indentured servant. That's somewhat ironic since only a few months ago, the roles were reversed. Ken comes into the White House TV room in his tux and tails carrying a tray of all George's football watching paraphernalia: Lone Star beer mug (filled with soda, according to legend), pork rinds, Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders coloring book, and a few refrigerator magnet maps of Afghanistan to study during commercials. George grabs the stuff and without taking his eyes off the TV, says, "Thanks, Kenny Boy. Have a pretzel." 

Suddenly enraged at being in such a degrading position, Ken goes berserk and hits George with a roundhouse sucker punch to the cheek. "That's for saying I supported Ann Richards in Texas, you lyin' pig!" Then he follows up with a left uppercut to George's lip. "That's for saying you didn't know me until 1994, you devious snake!" Ken starts to leave the room but then turns around and bitch-slaps George in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious onto the floor. "And stop calling me Kenny Boy!"

The "Prince Harry Reefer Madness" Theory

Britain's royal party boy, invited to the White House by the Bush twins to liven up the place, left behind a few roaches in the ashtray. Curious George lit up, took a toke and promptly passed out, not realizing that marijuana is a lot more potent now than it was back in his drug heyday. This theory provides a reasonable explanation for why the dogs didn't seem to move. It could also explain those suspicious Cheech & Chong 8-track tapes on the coffee table.
 

 

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